I can’t do it. Not like this.

To bust through my weight loss plateau, the Wharton Clinic advised me to lower my caloric intake to 1300 per day, and to cut out salt. I did this for about 3 weeks and I felt like crap. I had no stamina for my workouts – I dread them and then drag my ass through them. I’m eating 1300 calories a day and burning up 300 through exercise. Net 1000 calories. Plus, my food is boring and I’m STARVING!!!! This is not living. I cannot maintain this.

I talked to my regular doctor recently. She asked me a question: do I think I am healthy?

I couldn’t answer it. I fumbled around, immediately trying to think of what I SHOULD say, what she would WANT to hear from me. Numbers rushed through my head – my weight, my blood pressure, my cholesterol, my daily calories, my waist in inches, my BMI... Such a mess.

She stopped my stammering and said: I’m sorry, but I’m going to call you out on your shit. You are trying so hard to get to a certain number and restricting and rushing towards some undefined notion of “health.” What.do.you.want?

I said the first thing that popped into my head: I want to cook 1 dinner (not 2, 1 for them and 1 for me) for my family and sit down and eat together.

She replied: that is the first real thing you have said about your health.

Whoa. Repeat, WHOA (in Keanu Reeves’ Matrix voice).

My doctor talked to me about my mindset and how it affects my destination. She talked about self-compassion, which I am majorly lacking. She recommended a book by Kristin Neff called Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. This sounded familiar and sure enough, I already have this book. I chuckled to myself, thinking I likely only read about a dozen pages. I pulled out my copy and page 13 was folded over. Bingo.

We chatted about how I treat my friends… and how I treat myself. They are worlds apart. I would never hurt a fly and I would be devastated if I hurt a friend’s feelings on accident. But myself… ah self-compassion… I did Kristin Neff’s online self-compassion quiz this morning and the results were worse than I thought.

I have a problem. I am so terribly hard on myself. I would never in a million years do this to someone else. I beat myself up. I’m not good enough, smart enough, fast enough, clever enough, pretty enough, thin enough, toned enough, generous enough, patient enough. I.am.not.enough.

I know where this all started. I know the source. But I’m not going to dig up childhood crap here. I’m 43 years old. I can look to the past to see what MADE me this way, but I own that I CONTINUE to be this way. That is on me. And on me to fix it.

Not in a beat-myself-up way, but in a kind way. To fix it while being good to myself. Fixing it in itself is being good to myself.

My doctor suggested I start a gratitude journal. I already have one…somewhere…but I took out a new notebook (I have many. Cue my obsession with notebooks) and titled my first entry: Healthy Mindset, Healthy Goals. And I wrote. And wrote and wrote. I wrote all about what I'm grateful for and what health means to me. It took me a while to realize I hadn’t written down any numbers. Not a single one. Because a number isn’t a healthy mindset or a healthy goal.

I’m slowly reading Self-Compassion now. Slowly, because I need to digest the information and let it sink in. Slowly, because I’m busy and don’t have lots of time. I bought this book a long time ago, so clearly I’ve had an interest in this topic and knew on some level I needed it. My doctor just brought this notion forth again for me, and I’m so grateful to her for that, and for her honesty and bluntness. For calling me on my shit. It was exactly what I needed.

Gone are the 1300 calories per day. I'm currently experimenting with different foods, and continuing to follow my exercise plan (which is now SO much easier and more enjoyable!). Yes, I am still watching the scale (old habits die hard) but am trying to give myself grace and compassion when I see the number rise (and sometimes fall). I'm a work in progress. I will keep you posted on what I discover.

Here’s to continuing my journey of health in this new chapter. I’m so glad you are here with me. Xoxo