God’s Design for Me?

Am I just destined to be overweight? Did God design me to be the fat girl in the group?

I mean, I am cheerful and self-deprecating. Aren’t many fat girls like this? It helps with my self-esteem that people find me funny. I have no problem making fun of myself. I don’t think that makes me malicious. I’m funnier and happier when I’m eating good amounts of food. I’m quieter and somewhat resentful when I’m starving/binging. So maybe God wants me to be fat. I don’t know??

Is being fat so bad? Does it mean that God has trusted me to be a stronger person, to weather this fat storm? I have thicker skin, in every sense.

Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that fat is okay. I am not the only fat person in the world. Being overweight doesn’t make me stupid or mean. It just means I’m fat.

What does my husband think about my size? I know he doesn’t like really super skinny. But the pendulum has swung too far the other direction. I know my extra weight means that now I snore. Not attractive. I am sure he would love for me to lose some amount of weight.

What do I see when I look in the mirror? I see my favourite features: my hazel eyes and my dimples when I smile. I have joy in my face – someone once told me he could see the Holy Spirit in my face. What a beautiful compliment!

I also see chubby cheeks, a double chin, bigger boobs (YAAASSS!!!), a big tummy and a big butt. Arms that jiggle and thighs that touch (where did my thigh gap go?). My calves are now too large for my fav black boots. Sigh….

What I don’t see is my collarbone, although I know it’s under there somewhere. I can’t see the bones in my chest, although that did used to gross me out somewhat. That vein in my neck that used to protrude is now protected by a layer of fat. I don’t see where I should be shaving when I shave “down there.” UGH!

I don’t walk the same, carrying around this extra weight. I’m off balance, less graceful. I don’t feel sexy, except for these boobs of mine. Are they worth the extra weight?? Gosh, I do like them. Never had these before, not even when pregnant.

Okay okay, forget the boobs. I don’t like how I had to buy bra extenders so my old bras would fit. And now, even with the extenders, they still squeeze my sides so I have spillage.

I miss some of my old clothes. I have some really pretty things, and now they are put away because they are too tight. It hurts. When I put them away, it was like I was grieving. I was sad and angry and in some amount of shock. What happened to me?

I have some shapewear. Squeezing into these pieces feels ridiculous! I can’t eat when I wear them. I can hardly get them off to go to the bathroom. I sweat while I do this little jumpy dance.

I’m always fearing the sound of a seam ripping. Oh my…. What if I split my pants?

How big am I really? I sometimes ask my husband (pointing to others at the mall or at the grocery store), am I as big as her or as her? I’m trying to gauge what I really look like, because I honestly don’t know. Now and then, the picture in the mirror sharpens, and I’m so very ashamed. I pray my vision is wrong.

Does God want this for me? Do I want this for me? Am I taking care of the body He entrusted to me?